Thursday, January 24, 2008

Disgusting Is What's On Top, and Disgusting Is What It Is

Lemon, Pear, Pomegranate,
Apple, Kiwi, Lime & Onion Soup
Gateau
A recipe by Caleb
(for a school assignment on the meaning of "balderdash")


Ingredients:
15 lemons
15 pears
15 pomegranates
15 apples
15 kiwis
15 limes
50 eggs
100 cups of flour
20 cups water
75 cups of salt
50 cups of onion soup with melted cheese
booger green food coloring
20 cups chopped up skunk glands
15 cups of soap
3 tubes of minty toothpaste
20 cups of ghost crystals


Things you will need:
4 very big bowls
fruit peeler
a big knife
a blender
a cutting board
hammer & chisel
nose plug
a very big cake pan
a very big oven


How to make it:

Take off all the fruit skins with a peeler, and put the skins into bowl #1. Cut all the fruit up, and put it in bowl #2. Put the fruit in the blender in shifts. Push the buttons: Stir… puree… whip… grate… mix… chop… blend. When the fruit is done blending, put it in bowl #3. Do the same with the skins, except don’t blend; stop at “chop.” Put the chopped skins in an bowl #4 .

Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

Crack all 50 eggs into bowl #1. Dump all 100 cups of flour into the same bowl. Dump in 75 cups of salt. Add all the onion soup & cheese. Mix with hands until it is like stinky, cheesy dough.

Put 20 cups of water in bowl #2. Add soap and booger green food coloring to bowl #2. Put on nose plug (and don’t take off until you’re done eating). Then add chopped up skunk glands. Pour contents of bowl #2 into blender. Press “whip” and “mix” until it’s like booger green whipped cream. Pour back into bowl #2. Put into fast-freezing freezer for 4 hours.

Wait 2 hours.

Take contents of bowl #1 and pour into very big cake pan. Add contents of bowl #3 and then #4 into the very big cake pan.

Put very big cake pan in very big oven and bake for 1 hour 30 minutes. Cake should be golden brown, or not. Skins will be a color, but right now that color is unknown. Same with the fruit flesh. Remove from oven and put the very big cake pan on a very big table.

Take bowl #2 out of freezer. Use hammer and chisel to crack up ice. Spread broken bits of ice on top of cake. Squeeze toothpaste over the top of icy cake; spread evenly with chisel.

If you want to, use the chisel and hammer to spell something out.

Dust the top with ghost crystals.

Eat and enjoy… or else! (I know where you live!)

----------------

Serves: It depends. If the person is starving, he might throw up 15 cups. If the person isn’t starving, he’ll throw up a maximum of 35 cups.

Calories: Do you really want to know?

καλή όρεξη (that's Greek for bon appétit; bon appétit is French for happy eating!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is incredibly repulsive. Congratulations! I especially like the part at the end when you specify how many people this recipe serves; it makes me realize that the end product - the "balderdash", if you will - is not the gateau itself, but the gateau vomit! It makes me sick just thinking about it. ... Put together a few more recipes, and you'll be ready to publish "Balderdash: The Cookbook".